Allyson and I were at the grocery store last night — after a particularly fraught night, we all needed milkshakes. As we walked in, she noticed one of those, “if you buy this, you could win $200,000!” and she said — “Mom, those things are never real, are they?” And it took me back, way, way back …

I must have been about 10 — my parents were already divorced, and we were living in a three bedroom apartment. My sister and I drew straws, so I got the nice bedroom and she had the converted den — but she also had access to the balcony. My mom was getting her doctorate, and so was in school a lot, and money was tight. Money became a focal point; something we could all obsess over.

One day, home from school alone — my sister and I were at different schools, I guess, would be why I was alone — and I got the mail. It was before laws (or morals?) changed and said you can’t write “You’ve WON!” on an sweepstakes envelope. I got a Publisher’s Clearinghouse envelope with those very words on it — and I opened it, and it told me all about the wealth and hundreds of thousands of dollars we HAD ALREADY won.

I spent the hour or so before my mom got home just thinking about how happy she would be. We could buy a new car! I would pay for college! My mom could buy a house, since she really hated apartment living (my sister and I liked the pool but hated the distance from our old house/life). She walked in the door and in my mind’s eye I was BEAMING with joy. I could hardly wait to start talking:

“Mom! all of our troubles are over! WE WON!”

She had to sit me down and explain, ever so gently, that we had indeed won nothing, and that was just a ploy to get people to buy magazines. I have a really strong aversion to gambling, of any form, and I didn’t tie it to this experience until last night. It just broke my heart to not be able to do all that I had planned — and it felt terrible to have that hope be so false. It seems like so much of gambling is false hope — but I think today it also gives you that hour of sheer joy. I remember both feelings very clearly; I think the let-down one just affected me more deeply.

Today, though, I know I have won, with my kids and husband and job and house back in Arlington, Va where we are so at home. The sweepstakes of life — I did win! Just not that day.