My rigidity, can lead to futility. I understand and recognize this, and yet rigidly go on my way. Yesterday and today, for example, I came into the office. My office is closed. It is closed because my old office was not closed, and I wanted the week between Christmas and New Years off. So I asked the board to approve it, and close it, and they did. And .. here I am. I told myself I was coming in because the mail comes, and donations come, and they are important to count and accrue in 2024 so we can accurately reflect what happened in 2024. Guess what? Everyone gives online, 1., and 2. the mailperson didn’t even come — yesterday or today. Today I even wrote a note on the door — “Dear USPS: we are here!” and … nothing. My family is home relaxing, my colleagues are relaxing, my plan is to relax, and thus I am … at work. Reading, and snacking, and waiting for mail that is … not going to come.

A friend just wrote me about a March bike ride that sounds interesting, and some donors have written with questions, and it is super easy to answer them while sitting at my desk, but … is that necessary? Someone asked this year which parts of my personality are mutable, or changeable, and which are just unchanging. And — I have a hard time clarifying between the two.

I think the tidiness gene is deep, deep within me, and thus unchangeable — but I think the rigidity gene is as well, and yet I see myself changing. I am obsessed with being timely, but perhaps I carry that obsession too far. I want to go, and go, and go and get everything accomplished — and my beloved children say that is exhausting and perhaps draining — “why do you ALWAYS have to finish something JUST when you start it?” my son lamented.

Such is where my mind wanders, on a quiet day, trapped at the office by my own foolhardiness, trying to decided what I will do differently in 2025. I have lunch plans, so maybe afterwards .. I’ll go home.