mental-health

Center of the World; Moved

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I spent a long time I was wishing the center of the world — that people would pay MORE ATTENTION to me. Then I spent a long time centering my children — hoping that they saw and felt that they were/are the CENTER OF MY WORLD. I probably fell short on that, but it is what I hoped to convey. And now, as I have said before, the oldest is preparing to leave for college in the fall. He has chosen a school I am not in love with and would not have chosen for him; a path I am not in love with and would not have chosen for him. But I am super proud of HIM and how self-aware and clear on what he wants he is.

I also am having trouble with the ‘lasts’ — this is the last time he will do X with us, or Y. I am trying to focus on HE’S NOT GONE YET — and also not focusing on BUT THE OTHER TWO WILL BE GOING TOOOOO SOON. Instead, treasuring each dinner/evening, even if we mostly sit on our own phones in our own rooms — checking in with each other, grabbing a hug.

We traveled together last weekend — and what a gift that time was, even as he was with friends and I was with my friends — time to see him, to grab his leg and smile at him, to shout his name LOUDLY as he competed, and to celebrate with him when he did well.

He’s leaving, but he’s not gone yet. And when he does, the center of my world will shift, again, but I hope he knows and feels that no matter how far away he goes/is, he is still very much centered in my world.

Obvious and Quick

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Speaking of quick thinking; I also arrive at conclusions very quickly. I prioritize not ‘wasting time’ and that often means that what other people spend a lot of time on … I just decide. They talk about shampoo paralysis and that is REAL — I struggle the most with where to eat. But shampoo — the aisle of CHOICES! So, I tend to choose quickly, and if I like it, I tend to stick with it.

For food this gets complicated. I have 10 (5) meals that I like, and I trust, and I know what is in them, and I can just eat them easily. Likewise I have 10 (5) restaurants that I like, and trust, and I know what I eat there, and I know it is good. But — people want to try new things! People (my family) don’t find as much comfort in the sameness that I do. People want CHOICES. And I just — don’t. It takes sooo long. And some are — not yummy! Sure, some are, but — some aren’t! Is it worth it?

At work too, I hire based on ‘gut’ so often and no matter how many times I am proven wrong, I still trust my gut instinct. I think more than believing I am all seeing and all knowing, I deeply doubt that spending MORE time and MORE effort will produce a more reliable result. I have worked with super methodical people — and they make hiring mistakes, too. And even the hiring mistakes — they thought they wanted a job, or thought they could figure it out, and it wasn’t the way the person who hired them wanted it to be done — I dunno. I think this is why I tend to work in smaller places — I find the more processes and the more systems — the more time is spent/wasted and not necessarily to better results.

I think if I slow down then I will lose time for myself; time to read, to snuggle my children; to go on bike rides — but I also (post for another day) end up reading all the time and doing less of anything else. Just hiding out and reading books …

Anyway, but the rest of the time I’m doing it quickly!