We go through our days when a few of us are lucky enough to gather at the table for dinner, as we did last night, with Allyson’s dearest and longest friend, Charlotte, who is .. at a different high school, of course. It was so good to have them together!

So we made the kids do two truths and a lie — as Jason served us a delicious dinner that I had been dreading but suddenly adored (he’s magic like that).

ANYWAY — one of Allyson’s choices was she sat alone at lunch again, and I guessed that was the lie and hoped against hope against hope that I was correct — and I was!! She sat with a new friend named Sam, and all of Sam’s friends, and … I hope the way gets smoother.

But we’re not totally out of the woods yet, which is why I then lost at chess, too. It’s not because I’m bad at chess — I was just trying to help Allyson (ha).

I read two different “poem a day” subscriptions — one from Poetry magazine and one from a poet named George Bilgere. I really enjoy both, and send them occasionally to someone who seems like they would enjoy them too (not a lot of people in my circles read poetry, but …). Today, the poem a day was 1. named something I didn’t understand “The Compline” and 2. was long — I really prefer shorter, pithier poetry. And I was on an all-day training. And, and. Anyway — I deleted the poem without reading it.

Then! A friend who has two kids my kids’ ages (one of which shares the same name as one of my children) sent it to me and talked about how powerful it was and shared about her children — I ALWAYS feel like I’m the one sending her poetry, and it felt so good to have her reach out and send it to me, and then I felt guilt! I had to confess I had deleted it without reading it — and then — when I read it (and it was NOT that long! sheesh!) I was so powerfully moved. I felt really lucky to have people like Ann in my life, who read poetry for the same reasons I do — to find the magic and power in the mundanity and pain of everyday life.

The last line of the poem is about how all we’re asking (God, in this poem) is just for ‘more’ … ‘more.’ And with all of the loss swirling around Jason’s and my life recently, it just really hit hard. And how with my children, really, all I ever do want is — more. More time, more happiness, more joy (those are synonyms, I know). Anyway — grateful for friends and poetry today.

My daughter is having a struggle changing from an elementary school and middle school where she was ensconced in a group of close friends for the last 7 years. Now the friends have all scattered to different high schools (the program ends at 8th grade) and she only has 2 friends in her class of 500 people. I keep telling her it will get better, but … that’s easy to say, hard to live.

When I had my own transition to high school, my super mean mom made me join the drill team, which I hated. But, with the perspective of 30 years, that … gave me so many friends, I stayed in all four years, I had a place I ‘belonged’ and — most importantly — I had people who knew my name on my first day. I didn’t make her do any thing in advance of school, and so, school is really tough. Kids that have gone together since kindergarten; and even though someone who moved there in 9th grade from another state told us to really make friends the first few weeks — that is hard to do. They went to a football game on Friday but didn’t know they were supposed to wear theme colors, etc. etc.

So, she likes to play chess. She’s almost as strong a player as my youngest child, and no where near as strong as my oldest, but boy is she better than me. But I’m trying! And learning! And realizing if I put the queen right in the path of a rook that is a … rookie move. She keeps telling me I’m doing better. And I am glad to be doing slightly better than the time she beat me in 4 moves, but I’m mostly glad to be telling her 1. I’m here for her. 2. I’ve got her. 3. Anything she needs, I can give her whatever she wants. And the way I tell her that — is we play a lot of chess. One time I tied her, and someday maybe I’ll even win. But my real goal is for her to find her home in high school and thrive there.

I love that I am writing again; and I wonder why I am writing again. My beloved mother-in-law and husband never fail to comment on how nice whatever ramblings I post are; I just can’t answer the why. I had a bit of a tough week at work — events on Saturday and Sunday, which were awesome and fun, but still work — after the past two weekends at two heartbreaking funerals. And then a colleague that I really like, respect and enjoy — resigned. And she said it was for a variety of reasons, but .. admitted that she started looking when she and I disagreed. Sigh. And a former colleague reached out to me, apropos of nothing, and when I told her she said — “you are really hard to work for.” Sigh.

And the kids are doing so well, and flourishing, and I still get frustrated and lose to them at chess (I ALWAYS lose at chess); and I run every morning (ask me about this morning’s hill workout, my goodness) but I literally never, never, never get faster. It just feels like life is a bit of a loop lately — made worse, I’m sure, by the presidential race and the mayhem around it. And the resignation of my friend/colleague. And my sister’s legal troubles. And my son’s incredible challenges. Just — life, piling up. It’ll be better soon.

I was told once, more than 20 years ago, that the best way to ‘set your goals’ or ‘strategize your life’ was to … write your obituary. When you do it, you are able to see what you want to be remembered for and by whom, and then you dedicate your life to doing .. more of that, and less of the other stuff.

Or that’s the idea … I’ve never been able to do it, not once. I have sat down many times, and given the advice to many people — and, nope. And now I am in the part of my life where I am reviewing others’ obituaries, my father-in-law and my aunt among others. And I wonder what they would have wanted to be remembered by, and what was said. My brother-in-law heroically penned one that made my father-in-law look like the environmentalist and educator that he was, while also leaving out the … more complicated parts that made him who he was. My aunt’s obit was fine, just — not particularly HER. But what can be someone, after someone is gone?

So, I hope I can challenge myself to write my own obituary, and soon. I know I want to ‘make a difference’ in life, and be remembered as a very involved person to my friends, children and extended families, but I don’t know how effective that is, or will be. And I want to be remembered as funny, but my humor stings too many people on a daily basis — another tip I read; make gentle fun of YOURSELF not OTHERS and everyone will like your humor better.

Good long 4 mile run this morning; off to contemplate how I want to be remembered.

When I turned 49, I realized I would need to do something BIG and suitably impressive (to myself at least) before I turned 50. I decided on running a marathon — even though, or perhaps because, I has never been a runner in my entire life. I started training, trained for a month or two and got a twinge in my left knee/calf. I stopped, and waited a month for it to heal, and then just .. didn’t start again. Months went by, then I started training again without a marathon in mind. While training, I went to a breakfast with a board member and she recommended the Rehoboth Marathon as flat and not super busy but allowing lots of support. And it was on the weekend after my training was finishing! So I signed up, and my son signed up for the 1/2 marathon, and we got an Air BnB, and I did it! It took just over 6 hours and I walked the last three miles with four best friends who came to cheer me on, but I did it!

This year, for fitness, I decided to try and run every run in the Nike Run Club app. As a friend pointed out to me, I’d already done most of the long runs … so I had to run a half marathon, and several 5 mile etc. runs, but most of the long runs were done, and so I have done it. Well, I am doing it — but I keep taking months off and then time ticks by. I am now in the final stretch and needing to run every day for three months … which means lots and lots of short runs, but annoying when I am traveling.

Sept. 1 was my husband’s 54th birthday, and I thought — oh, I won’t run cause we will have such a delicious day! And we did! Until our flight was cancelled, late at night, and we had to drive the 13 hours back to DC that night and the next day. And Oliver stayed up with me and chatted while we drove — so we made it to North Carolina by 2:30 a.m., and then checked out by 8 a.m. and my husband drove the rest of the whole way home. Made it at noon, and got grocery shopping done, and started laundry (Jason and kids did) and … still had to run (yes, we were eventually getting back to running). Even though I only did a 15 minute one, I was just so drained and tired.

But! It’s RARE but it happens — that 15 minute run felt like I had improved a whole lot, and that I was doing well. So, I guess it’s good that the slog continues … And even though our transportation was terrible going down and back, we had really important times with my husband’s beloved mother and family.