My rigidity, can lead to futility. I understand and recognize this, and yet rigidly go on my way. Yesterday and today, for example, I came into the office. My office is closed. It is closed because my old office was not closed, and I wanted the week between Christmas and New Years off. So I asked the board to approve it, and close it, and they did. And .. here I am. I told myself I was coming in because the mail comes, and donations come, and they are important to count and accrue in 2024 so we can accurately reflect what happened in 2024. Guess what? Everyone gives online, 1., and 2. the mailperson didn’t even come — yesterday or today. Today I even wrote a note on the door — “Dear USPS: we are here!” and … nothing. My family is home relaxing, my colleagues are relaxing, my plan is to relax, and thus I am … at work. Reading, and snacking, and waiting for mail that is … not going to come.

A friend just wrote me about a March bike ride that sounds interesting, and some donors have written with questions, and it is super easy to answer them while sitting at my desk, but … is that necessary? Someone asked this year which parts of my personality are mutable, or changeable, and which are just unchanging. And — I have a hard time clarifying between the two.

I think the tidiness gene is deep, deep within me, and thus unchangeable — but I think the rigidity gene is as well, and yet I see myself changing. I am obsessed with being timely, but perhaps I carry that obsession too far. I want to go, and go, and go and get everything accomplished — and my beloved children say that is exhausting and perhaps draining — “why do you ALWAYS have to finish something JUST when you start it?” my son lamented.

Such is where my mind wanders, on a quiet day, trapped at the office by my own foolhardiness, trying to decided what I will do differently in 2025. I have lunch plans, so maybe afterwards .. I’ll go home.

Not asking for advice; giving too much advice that people haven’t asked for! The last couple of months have been … busy. Traveling for my son to compete in rowing; traveling for board meetings; traveling for family vacations (coming up this weekend!) and also A LOT of work — work events, work weekends, work hardships, and work in general. Jason has kept almost 100% of our home life going, which is another thing I fret about. And in the midst of all of that, my emotions are all over the map and I hope (?) it is menopause. I am fretting about Allyson, who is still struggling to settle in to high school. I am fretting about Oliver, whose grades/scores have carried him SO FAR in life but who will need to … write and reach out more, and differently, for college. I am fretting about Eleanor, who will spend her 13th birthday in a car with me and Allyson all day driving to Hilton Head (yay!) for Thanksgiving. Just … fretting. And I started training for next April’s marathon, and fell on my hands and knees on Saturday which left me feeling lumpy and vulnerable. And I am going to be deposed for my mom’s trial in January. And I am worried about my sister, and my father, and … just … I just worry. So then I turn to my next most obvious thing — telling others what they should do. And (shock!) people don’t appreciate it!

I dunno. I don’t have a good wrap up here. We did get our annual family photos back yesterday, and all five of us look excellent! And I ordered prints and holiday cards! All of Eleanor’s gifts are on their way! I am worried about my beloved mother-in-law facing her first Christmas without Clyde, and her first Thanksgiving without fretting about him (he didn’t always come to Thanksgiving, but always took a lot of her energy!). Anyway, just a post to vent about my first-world problems, thanks for listening!

First of all, this is the title of one of my very favorite books, by Katherine Center, about a lady firefighter who moves from Austin to a smaller Massachusetts station and has to ‘earn’ their respect as, the, aforementioned ‘lady’ firefighter.

Anyway – but that’s not what this post is about! But every time I say, “I’m rereading a book” the kids all say YES ABOUT THE FIREFIGHTER. And, often, they are … right.

Anyway x2! My middle child, my sweet 9th grader, has either adjusted slightly better or is pretending to — no more nightly chess, or even weekly — she is busy with homework and texting friends. And this weekend is her homecoming, which she is going to with a group of friends. But she still has a new dress, a makeup appointment, and a hair appointment. I was mad — why is she spending so much without a date — and then I got mad at MYSELF — do I want to teach her we only dress up for MEN? No!

But yesterday her 9th grade school picture arrived in the mail. She’s, heartbreakingly, gorgeous. So grown up. And the biggest treasure I have other than my family, more than jewelry or other stuff … are my three photo frames of the kids from kindergarten until (now) 9th, 10th and 6th grades. I just love seeing them grow, in one glance, from tiny babies to almost grown kids. It’s a magical frame that encapsulates so many years — especially now as the ‘unfilled’ ones have baby photos for all three kids …

Anyway — I put her photo in (with Jason’s help) immediately, and then can’t wait to get home today and see it (and the kids). The days are long, but goodness do the years fly by.

It is funny how well I think I know myself, and how little I (maybe all of us?) actually do. Someone said recently: Well, he needs structure, and we know you won’t provide that (about someone to manage). And I was thinking — but structure is my whole game! But, it’s a loose structure.

Then we did a thing at work about what type of person you are, and there was so much revealed — how I am terrible at chit chat (but I always chit chat, I said, and my colleagues said, ‘no, you dive into the deepest subject possible’). How I devalue compliments because I am looking for ‘what is in it for them, why are they complimenting me?’

ANYWAY. I went to a board meeting in Montana last week, and I love to hike up to the big University of Montana M early in the morning before the meeting (I HAVE done this before). It turns out that I haven’t done it at the end of September. I left my room at 5:40 a.m. (which is 7:40 my time, remember) and was surprised by the dark, but assumed the light was just coming. I ran the 1.5 miles to the trail, and it was still dark, so I set up the trail. Then I tripped on a rock in the dark, and almost fell. Then I tripped again (I was trying to do it without my phone light, because surely it was about to get sunny). Finally I checked the time of sunrise … yes … 7:29 a.m. I was back in my room after the hike up to the top, and it was STILL pitch black.

SO, a friend who has known me a long time pointed out that I am … not great at taking advice. She recommended parenting books? I didn’t read them. I’m going on a hike? I don’t check the weather/light. There are lots of examples. But I DO take advice (sometimes, or, ahem, I think I do) from friends and family. When Suzanne told us to follow through on punishments for my daughter we have and it has made our relationship SO MUCH BETTER. I just like being told by the person who learned from it, vs. a book.

Anyway — check for daylight before going on a hike! Look at that famous M! (hint: You can’t see it at all).

We go through our days when a few of us are lucky enough to gather at the table for dinner, as we did last night, with Allyson’s dearest and longest friend, Charlotte, who is .. at a different high school, of course. It was so good to have them together!

So we made the kids do two truths and a lie — as Jason served us a delicious dinner that I had been dreading but suddenly adored (he’s magic like that).

ANYWAY — one of Allyson’s choices was she sat alone at lunch again, and I guessed that was the lie and hoped against hope against hope that I was correct — and I was!! She sat with a new friend named Sam, and all of Sam’s friends, and … I hope the way gets smoother.

But we’re not totally out of the woods yet, which is why I then lost at chess, too. It’s not because I’m bad at chess — I was just trying to help Allyson (ha).

I read two different “poem a day” subscriptions — one from Poetry magazine and one from a poet named George Bilgere. I really enjoy both, and send them occasionally to someone who seems like they would enjoy them too (not a lot of people in my circles read poetry, but …). Today, the poem a day was 1. named something I didn’t understand “The Compline” and 2. was long — I really prefer shorter, pithier poetry. And I was on an all-day training. And, and. Anyway — I deleted the poem without reading it.

Then! A friend who has two kids my kids’ ages (one of which shares the same name as one of my children) sent it to me and talked about how powerful it was and shared about her children — I ALWAYS feel like I’m the one sending her poetry, and it felt so good to have her reach out and send it to me, and then I felt guilt! I had to confess I had deleted it without reading it — and then — when I read it (and it was NOT that long! sheesh!) I was so powerfully moved. I felt really lucky to have people like Ann in my life, who read poetry for the same reasons I do — to find the magic and power in the mundanity and pain of everyday life.

The last line of the poem is about how all we’re asking (God, in this poem) is just for ‘more’ … ‘more.’ And with all of the loss swirling around Jason’s and my life recently, it just really hit hard. And how with my children, really, all I ever do want is — more. More time, more happiness, more joy (those are synonyms, I know). Anyway — grateful for friends and poetry today.

My daughter is having a struggle changing from an elementary school and middle school where she was ensconced in a group of close friends for the last 7 years. Now the friends have all scattered to different high schools (the program ends at 8th grade) and she only has 2 friends in her class of 500 people. I keep telling her it will get better, but … that’s easy to say, hard to live.

When I had my own transition to high school, my super mean mom made me join the drill team, which I hated. But, with the perspective of 30 years, that … gave me so many friends, I stayed in all four years, I had a place I ‘belonged’ and — most importantly — I had people who knew my name on my first day. I didn’t make her do any thing in advance of school, and so, school is really tough. Kids that have gone together since kindergarten; and even though someone who moved there in 9th grade from another state told us to really make friends the first few weeks — that is hard to do. They went to a football game on Friday but didn’t know they were supposed to wear theme colors, etc. etc.

So, she likes to play chess. She’s almost as strong a player as my youngest child, and no where near as strong as my oldest, but boy is she better than me. But I’m trying! And learning! And realizing if I put the queen right in the path of a rook that is a … rookie move. She keeps telling me I’m doing better. And I am glad to be doing slightly better than the time she beat me in 4 moves, but I’m mostly glad to be telling her 1. I’m here for her. 2. I’ve got her. 3. Anything she needs, I can give her whatever she wants. And the way I tell her that — is we play a lot of chess. One time I tied her, and someday maybe I’ll even win. But my real goal is for her to find her home in high school and thrive there.

I love that I am writing again; and I wonder why I am writing again. My beloved mother-in-law and husband never fail to comment on how nice whatever ramblings I post are; I just can’t answer the why. I had a bit of a tough week at work — events on Saturday and Sunday, which were awesome and fun, but still work — after the past two weekends at two heartbreaking funerals. And then a colleague that I really like, respect and enjoy — resigned. And she said it was for a variety of reasons, but .. admitted that she started looking when she and I disagreed. Sigh. And a former colleague reached out to me, apropos of nothing, and when I told her she said — “you are really hard to work for.” Sigh.

And the kids are doing so well, and flourishing, and I still get frustrated and lose to them at chess (I ALWAYS lose at chess); and I run every morning (ask me about this morning’s hill workout, my goodness) but I literally never, never, never get faster. It just feels like life is a bit of a loop lately — made worse, I’m sure, by the presidential race and the mayhem around it. And the resignation of my friend/colleague. And my sister’s legal troubles. And my son’s incredible challenges. Just — life, piling up. It’ll be better soon.

I was told once, more than 20 years ago, that the best way to ‘set your goals’ or ‘strategize your life’ was to … write your obituary. When you do it, you are able to see what you want to be remembered for and by whom, and then you dedicate your life to doing .. more of that, and less of the other stuff.

Or that’s the idea … I’ve never been able to do it, not once. I have sat down many times, and given the advice to many people — and, nope. And now I am in the part of my life where I am reviewing others’ obituaries, my father-in-law and my aunt among others. And I wonder what they would have wanted to be remembered by, and what was said. My brother-in-law heroically penned one that made my father-in-law look like the environmentalist and educator that he was, while also leaving out the … more complicated parts that made him who he was. My aunt’s obit was fine, just — not particularly HER. But what can be someone, after someone is gone?

So, I hope I can challenge myself to write my own obituary, and soon. I know I want to ‘make a difference’ in life, and be remembered as a very involved person to my friends, children and extended families, but I don’t know how effective that is, or will be. And I want to be remembered as funny, but my humor stings too many people on a daily basis — another tip I read; make gentle fun of YOURSELF not OTHERS and everyone will like your humor better.

Good long 4 mile run this morning; off to contemplate how I want to be remembered.